also i'm sorry i haven't been able to comment on other people's blogs! am i the only one having this trouble? the comment screen will SAY visual verification (that nonsense you have to type), but there isn't actually any jumble of letters to type. :(
in any case, every month i get an email newsletter from ChronicBabe.com. as in babes with chronic illnesses. here's what it said (in part):
New today at ChronicBabe.com:
Wave goodbye to your old self
Each day you wish you could be your "old" self will make you feel like a failure. But each day you exercise compassion for your "new" self—and embrace your current abilities—you'll appreciate every accomplishment even more. The Editrix has learned this from experience. And btw, it's much more fun coming up with new ways to enjoy life than lamenting old ways that don't work anymore.
and i just happened to have been thinking about this yesterday. weird. more like i was thinking yesterday about how i always dreamed or planned or thought my life would be. i certainly never thought about having a headache all the time, laying in bed most of the time, and hardly getting anything done.
let me tell you who i was. i was someone who loved to be busy and get things done. i thrive(d) (throve?) on the feeling of accomplishment i got from finishing projects, working on things till they were done, learning something new. i love playing the piano, getting that last tough part in a piece figured out. i was loud, loved to laugh, and loved being with people. i loved dancing, singing out loud, listening to music turned way up. i was reliable. i could be counted on to do what i said i was going to do, and be there if i said i was going to be there. i earned my own money and took care of myself. there was nothing i couldn't do.
so meeting people now, i feel like they're not really meeting me. not the real me. this is me with a headache. i feel like a shadow of who i am. i'm always having to cancel plans, turn down the volume, leave early, sleep in late, and figure out how i can get my few chores done. do you ever look around and realize that this is your life? that it's not what you planned on?
why should pain change my personality and my understanding of myself?
Labels: headaches, pain, questions, thoughts
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Muum had this to say:
don't know why. Wish things were different for you. I wish we had some deadline when this would be over for you. Sometimes it's hard to understand why it is this way for you. love you,
- 3:01 PM
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had this to say:
what you are going through is so incredibly hard. Just want you to know that you are still worth knowing now, in spite of how you feel you have changed or are not who you used to be. You are loving, loyal, compassionate. You still love to have fun, laugh and do things. You do the best you can with what you have been given and you don't blame God. You are incredibly dear to those who love you. Mom K
- 4:32 AM
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deborah had this to say:
Shadow? Yes, a dark and gloomy one at that. Very well said. But I try very hard, with sunglasses, I might add, to look to the sunny days (ha!) when allowed or moments and enjoy them. I try not to allow the gloomers to let me down. Because they are all around me, and sometimes they are the ones that I ned to lift me up, the ones I let down. But I suppose, they, too, didn't ask for this. Fortunately, for them, they don't "feel" the pain. Praying for you today.
- 5:59 AM
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Windlost had this to say:
Oh Emily - this is all too familiar to me and I am sorry you are feeling this way. The pre-headache YOU sounds like a marvellous girl and she is still there, all the same character and interests, but it is just diluted with pain. The practicality needs to take over and you have to cancel and not engage in things and sleep and sleep and it is all so "not you" but it's what needs doing in order to cope. it won't last forever, i pray, and some relief will come. until then, all you can do is the best you can do with everyday, and some days, that won't be a lot. but that spirit, that essence of YOU, is still inside, still below the surface. if you can scratch through the layer of pain she is right there, waiting to come out. sometimes, i get a few days of peace and good health and the "old me" comes firing back to life. everyone knows i can't be that person any more, but she is still there, just diluted and tired and waiting to come out. the new you is the practical one who needs to deal with the matters at hand - like rest and catering to the pain. it sucks. but it is just the reality and you are dealing with it and getting through and staying strong and having faith, and that is huge when every day is so crummy. hang in there. i know it is so hard. but you are still you!
- 10:04 AM
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ChronicBabe - Jenni Grover had this to say:
hey emily, thanks for the mention - i'm glad the piece resonated with you. it seems that many, many people feel the same way - it's such a challenge! just remember - you really still are _you_ - just a new form of you, one that will continue changing. and since you're aware of yourself you have the power to keep growing and changing. i know that might sound trite, and on a big migraine day you might want to reach through the computer and punch me for saying so, but i believe in you. you're writing about it, thinking about, and that's more than most people do. it won't always be as hard. trust me - from someone who knows. good luck - best wishes, jenni
- 8:16 AM
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had this to say:
You are precious in my sight, and I am so glad that you are my daughter. I know it is painful for you, and you are holding up wonderfully. You are grabbing at the brass rings you can see, and I don't know how anyone could expect more. You want more, but it needs to be in God's time.
I know about the ups and downs, and I know you realize how blessed you are to have such supporting people around you.
Hang in there, Emily-Bemily! We love you and will always love you.- 12:34 AM
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Pink Chihuahua Princess had this to say:
Hopefully the emails will help you mentally. Don't feel bad for posting about your headaches. Your frequent visitors care about you and are interested in your progress/status.
- 8:23 PM
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Grim Reality Girl had this to say:
Emily, you are still the pre-headache you. You are still there. I used to feel the same way -- I wished people knew me before my car accident and chronic pain. I was a different person. I shared this with a close friend and got another way of looking at it. The Emily you are right now is a STRONGER version of the pre-headache you. You are making it through a struggle that few understand but many respect. You should not feel bad when you have a "negative" post (I would call it an honest post!).
A quote for you "Be who you are and say what you feel. The poeple who matter won't mind and the people who mind don't matter."
You are great just the way you are. You are strong and this too shall pass! Good luck with the new meds. Keep trying, the solution is out there.- 8:10 AM
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Heather had this to say:
I think some of us feel this way sometimes. I know I have. And I'm not even dealing with chronic pain!
For what it's worth, even though I've never met you in person, I think you are absolutely fantastic the way you are right now. I'm amazed by your positive attitude through all of the ups and downs you endure.
Hope things keep looking up and that you continue to find the positive things in life and in yourself.- 9:27 AM
