Friday, June 13, 2008
schtuff
So here is an update from my little corner of the universe. it's been 2 weeks now and i've been off the Emsam -- the side effects are going away. my sleep is still getting back to normal. once in a while i'll wake up at 3 or 4 and not be able to get back to sleep, but it's the exception instead of the rule now. thank goodness. that kind of nonsense is unacceptable.
so the headache clinic told me to call yesterday and they would start me on the new preventative....soooo i call them up. leave a message of course. they call me back and say that my dr. doesn't want to start me on anything until i come in for an appointment. ooookay. i'm thinking why did you tell me to call? i say that i have an appointment on the 30th of june and since i'm in UTAH i can't come in any sooner (are you even looking at my chart or what?). so i'm somewhat irritated because this just continues my time being off any anti-depressant. which, frankly is somewhat sucky. i've been on an anti-depressant for 10 years. the last 3 years the dosage has been double the previous 7 years. so to be on nothing ... it's difficult to stay on an even keel.
so this little video cheers me up. it's
a video of jason castro on american idol. talking about and singing memory from cats.
my favorite part (ok, the part with the talking is much better than the singing IMHO...) is at about 1:25 when he says 'this is kind of a popular song'.
ahahahahaha. so funny. i laughed till i cried.
mostly because that's just about the understatement of the century. ooh hoo hoo.
Labels: headaches, meds, music, pain, update
link | posted by Emily at 11:30 AM
Thursday, June 05, 2008
the spotlight is on me!
Well, I'm so excited to tell you guys about this! i was interviewed for
WEGO health -- a site for health activitists. they did a spotlight interview on me, isn't that cool? i don't think i've ever been interviewed for my blog before.
and i know that i have a couple of newer readers who may not have hunted through the archives for my full medical history (believe me, i don't blame you) -- this is your chance to get an encapsulated view of my life and health!
enjoy!Labels: headaches, health, pain issues, spotlight, WEGO
link | posted by Emily at 11:15 AM
Monday, May 05, 2008
I Measure Every Grief I meet -- by Emily Dickinson
i came across this poem online recently, and remembered how much i like it. emily dickinson is one of my favorite poets, along with e.e. cummings. this poem seems particularly appropriate lately.
I measure every Grief I mee
tWi
th narrow, probing, Eyes--
I wonder if I
t weighs like Mine--
Or has an Easier size.
I wonder if
They bore i
t long--
Or did i
t jus
t begin--
I could no
t tell
the Da
te of Mine--
I
t feels so old a pain--
I wonder if i
t hur
ts
to live--
And if
They have
to
try--
And whe
ther--could
They choose be
tween--
I
t would no
t be--
to die--
I no
te
tha
t Some--gone pa
tien
t long--
A
t leng
th, renew
their smile--
An imi
ta
tion of a Ligh
tTha
t has so li
ttle Oil--
I wonder if when Years have piled--
Some
Thousands--on
the Harm--
Tha
t hur
t them early--such a lapse
Could give
them any Balm--
Or would
they go on aching s
till
Through Cen
turies of Nerve--
Enligh
tened
to a larger Pain--
In Con
tras
t wi
th
the Love--
The Grieved--are many--I am
told--
There is
the various Cause--
Dea
th--is bu
t one--and comes bu
t once--
And only nails
the eyes--
There's Grief of Wan
t--and grief of Cold--
A sor
t they call "Despair"--
There's Banishmen
t from na
tive Eyes--
In Sigh
t of Na
tive Air--
And
though I may no
t guess
the kind--
Correc
tly--ye
t to me
A piercing Comfor
t i
t affords
In passing Calvary--
To no
te
the fashions--of
the Cross--
And how
they're mos
tly worn--
S
till fascina
ted
to presume
Tha
t Some--are like My Own--
--Emily Dickinson
Labels: headaches, pain
link | posted by Emily at 10:14 AM
Friday, April 18, 2008
home again!
that's right, i'm back home. i was in chicago again, this time (thankfully) just overnight. no hospitalization for me this time. i went back for a follow-up appointment with my doctor at the diamond headache clinic. it went well, he adjusted my medications and added another med to (hopefully) help control the pain better. we shall see.
overall i felt like it went well. it was the first time i've traveled by myself with a migraine. i was nervous. i was nervous something would go wrong -- that i'd be flustered, that i'd look like an easy mark to mug, that i'd have trouble making the connections i needed to in the city. many of you know exactly what it's like to live in pain: it's hard to do what needs to be done when you're in pain. it's hard to think and it's hard to keep your wits about you.
obviously everything worked out just fine.
and, BONUS! i missed the earthquake this morning! sweet!
if you are in need of an extra dose of humility, i recommend flying as a passenger on a small airplane during high winds. i haven't prayed with such urgency for a long time. the wings were swaying back and forth - i was worried that one big gust was going to come along, and we'd just flip right over and bite the dust. thankfully, we landed without incident. also gratefully, the plane on the way back was bigger. :)
Labels: diamond headache clinic, headaches, pain issues, traveling
link | posted by Emily at 8:33 PM
Tuesday, April 08, 2008
Coping with headaches and migraines
so i thought i would write a little bit about coping with migraines -- what i see as the major facets of coping with chronic migraines. my current situation is a bit different (for me) than it was when i was having episodic migraines, once every month or two. now i am in pain every day, all day. i wake up with a headache, and it's there all day till i go to sleep at night. hopefully some of this will apply to those of you reading here, i know my situation is somewhat (thank goodness!) unique.
to me, there are 4 different parts of coping with migraines. they are the pain, nausea, discouragement, and sleep difficulties that come with migraines. here are my ideas on each topic.
1.Pain
resting in a quiet, dark room -- kind of a given. but for those who haven't experienced migraines, i thought i'd give you the full scope, even things that seem obvious.
i like a cold pack on my forehead -- some people like heat. some people like the cold or heat on the back of their neck. some find a hot shower or bath helpful.
of course there are medications for treating the pain - i'm no expert by any means, so i will link to a few articles that are helpful.
here is a list of preventative medications that can be used for migraines. usually preventatives are considered if you are having several migraines a month. i'm not sure what the actual # is -- i'm sure it varies from doctor to doctor anyway. and
here is an article about the medications used for treating migraines. and while we're on the topic of using medication, we'd better mention
medication overuse (rebound) headaches. don't use your abortive medication too often!
2. Nausea/vomiting
this can be a huge problem or a small part of your situation, depending. i have some nausea, but rarely does it progress to vomiting. i'm lucky. but nevertheless, who likes to be nauseated? so here's my tips and tricks for nausea, in the order i usually try them:
a) mint gum (could also be mint tea or mint candies)
b) 7up or club soda -- i'm leaning towards the club soda lately because i don't like the idea of drinking so much sugar
c) ginger tea
d)
emetrol e) reglan -- my prescription anti-nausea pill
f) from here it's just rinse and repeat -- i try to continue eating bland food, skipping meals will only make the nausea worse and the migraine pain much worse
3. Discouragement
like nausea, this can range from a small problem to full-on depression. i'm sure that having a good support system helps prevent a lot of discouragement, but i also think that even with the best, kindest, and most supportive family (which i believe i have), a person is bound to get discouraged and upset at times if she's in pain all the time.
one of the best things i've found to combat my emotional pain is this idea:
This pain is bad, but i've been through pain like this before, and I can get through this too. it helps keep me from catastrophizing the situation and making it seem harder than it is or like i'm somehow not going to make it through. there are also numerous scriptures that have helped me through difficult times -- i'll share one here "I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me." Philipians 4:13. i realize that not everyone is religious, but for me, religion is something i can lean on when things get hard, and has helped me make it through.
4. Sleep difficulties
sleep is hugely important for migraineurs. too little (or too much, they say) and you are bound to suffer the next day. but it can be difficult to get good sleep when you are having regular migraines. it helped me to make it a priority with my doctors to 'fix' my sleep -- if i wasn't regularly able to get to sleep and stay asleep, i let them know and made sure we found solutions. thankfully this problem was easily remedied for me. until i was getting reasonable amounts of sleep (when the migraines first began to be chronic), the entire situation was worse and more difficult to deal with because of the poor quality and lack of sleep i was getting. i guess i just want to point out the importance of a good night's sleep. it's worth the trouble of keeping regular hours and doing all you can to rest well.
hopefully this is helpful for someone -- or even just a reminder that you're not along in your migraine pain. :-)
Labels: headaches, migraines, nausea, pain, pain issues, sleep
link | posted by Emily at 6:03 PM
Friday, March 14, 2008
chicago part 2 -- headache business
hello again!
here i am again on my own -- going down the only road i've ever known!
people, i've been listening to music again. it's like a revelation. ah, i love it. i miss it.
back on topic.
so i won't bore you with all the details of the appointment. but suffice it to say that the doctor heard all about my headaches, the history of them, and the everyday-ness of them.
after all that, he decided he'd change basically all my medicines. 2 or 3 have remained the same, but most are changed. i was a bit nervous about changing one particularly - the tegretol is one of the only things i've gotten relief from on a daily basis. it also was controlling the seizure disorder.
but this doctor has dealt with many patients like me, whose migraines and headaches are resistant to treatment. i'm willing to try anything, you know -- it's not a lifetime commitment, just a commitment to try something for a while.
so i went into the hospital, and i went off the old meds, and slowly onto the new meds. surprisingly, there are even more pills than there were before. i have magnesium, a couple anti-seizure, a sedative, an anti-psychotic, a beta-blocker, anti-depressant, and magnesium. so wow. but like i said. the man has done this before, and seen good results before. oftentimes the key for cracking this is in combinations of meds and other treatments.
so those are the meds -- while i was in the hospital, the first days were spent with
DHE infusions every 8 hours. i was hating the IV (even more than the rest of the stay), but enjoying the relief the infusions brought. they also brought a great deal of nausea, the first anti-nausea drug didn't work. but we got a hold on that and it was smooth sailing for a while. then after 3 days, the course of DHE was done, and it was time to start trying other things -- the ones i remember offhand were depacon, norflex, benadryl & inapsin, and magnesium..... eh, that's all i can think of. so the only one of those that offered any relief was magnesium. that was surprising because i had tried (for 3 months) daily magnesium tablets without any results. but these magnesium infusions brought a great deal of relief. so once we figured that out, we started those every 8 hours.
as the stay progressed, we started to see this change -- instead of waking up every morning with some of the worst pain of the day, i wake up with the lowest pain levels....like a 3 or 4 out of 10. my headaches have NEVER in the whole of the past 3 years gone down (without painkillers or triptans) that low. so that's major. they only stay low for a few hours BUT it is progress.
progress is progress and we haven't had much of that before now, have we? so while it's frustrating to see my pain levels climb through the day, i need to try and remain grateful for the good time and the things i can get done doing those good hours.
one of the other things i've been doing since i got back is waking up a lot earlier -- i'm trying to wake up at the same time everyday. i've done that once before without any results. but it'll be much easier to do when i feel good in the mornings. also, i learned about biofeedback and will be practicing that everyday for 20 minutes. at first, even though i was achieving the goals (physically) of biofeedback, i wasn't seeing any results on my headache. HOWEVER, a few days before i left i started seeing some relief from using biofeedback. not a lot, but some.
so that's the deal! give yourself a major pat on the back if you've made it this far. :) and thanks for all your positive thoughts and prayers. they were greatly appreciated.
Labels: diamond headache clinic, headaches, pain
link | posted by Emily at 2:28 PM
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
Chicago post! part 1
and so i'm back! from outer space!
no, just kidding.
but i am back from chicago! and out of the hospital! i can't decide if the best part of being out of the hospital is
a) having no IV
b) the food
c) my bed/pillows/sheets/blankets
d) being w/my husband again
e) seeing my sister and her kids
or
f) being reunited with my good friend, mr. laptop.
really, it's just fabulous.
it's great to be back.
what was surprisingly UNgreat was the sheer volume of reading that awaited me.....
181 + 56 unread emails = 237
aaaand let's not forget blog entries. google reader just says i have 1000+ to catch up on. i think it's their way of saying 'don't even try, you've passed the point of no return'. so i'm still deciding what to do on that front. maybe read the most recent of everyone's entries? that seems like a cop-out. we shall see.
so there was really only one night i was out and about in chicago -- spencer and i went to a great place called renaldi's for some deep dish pizza. we were hoping to make it over to gino's east for their legendary pizza, but by the time we were in town, we were ravenous and not willing to schlep across town. another time.

yummm....lots of cheese is hiding under that sauce.

there you can kinda see it.
and here's spencer working on his:

we didn't totally finish the pizza.
and here's pictures of us, which were actually taken to show the arches behind us. they were very interesting.

i look like an idiot.

tomorrow -- tune in for the information you all actually *wanted*. am i fixed? (short answer: no)
are there improvements? (short answer: yes)
i will tell you much more and all about the hospital -- i'm off to catch up on email and blogs!
Labels: chicago, diamond headache clinic, headaches, pizza
link | posted by Emily at 5:31 PM
Friday, February 22, 2008
have you ever...
EDITED TO ADD the link to the letter....duh!
have you ever done that thing where you THINK it's friday, but actually it's thursday? that was me yesterday.
D'OH!
saturday is probably my favorite day of the week, because i get to spend all day with my sweetie; he doesn't have to go to work, we can hang out around the house and/or run errands together. so then last night
spencir tells me it's only thursday!? wow.
here i am, friday again.
read
a great entry over at The Daily Headache -- a letter to friends and family, regarding the nature of chronic pain. it's one of those things that i just nod the whole way through -- yes, yes!
in reality, i'm very lucky to have such supportive family. nevertheless, having chronic pain is just....it's just weird. it's just the kind of thing that doesn't make sense, and many people can't imagine what it'd be like to be in pain all the time. i know i never considered it until it happened to me!
have a great weekend, party people. :)
Labels: headaches, pain issues, randomness, the information super-highway
link | posted by Emily at 4:02 PM
the sassy lime -- now with LESS whining!
that last post was just annoying. let's disregard it, shall we?
i am REALLY looking forward to my appointment at the
Diamond Headache Clinic -- less than a week away now!! my paperwork is all filled out and i am ready to go!
Labels: diamond headache clinic, headaches
link | posted by Emily at 10:07 AM
Thursday, February 21, 2008
"physical therapy"
today was my physical therapy appointment. really it was more like "physical therapy". because my pain doc said i was going to go see the physical therapist again. i mentioned that the *last* time i saw her (the PT), the physical therapist said she didn't think there was anything she could do to help my headaches. my doctor said that the PT had some new ideas, they had just talked that morning.
sooo of course i was hopeful going into this appointment. we sat down, and she said my pain doc asked her to work with me NOT to improve my headaches (because she didn't feel there was anything she could do) but to help me set up an exercise program. nice. soooo this of course makes me feel a little tricked and disappointed. mostly disappointed that he made me believe there was hope for changing the situation.
the ultimate hope for setting up an exercise program is that after building up my endurance will help me be able to do more despite the pain.
so i'm feeling a bit frustrated, i feel like this is my pain doctor's last hope -- therapy and exercise. i should mention i have been exercising regularly for the past.... 5/6 months without any results. of course he knows that, but this is going to be even worse (i meant better). because already the exercise pushes my pain level up for 2-3 hours after i'm done.
the thing is, i'm all about exercising, i just hate that it causes me EXTRA pain. that's pretty much the last thing i need at this point....but my doctors are increasingly running out of ideas, and so i think THEY think they need to get me going again, and somehow the symptoms will fade away. argh. i'm sorry, i'm just venting/rambling now.
hopefully i'll be back later on w/a better attitude.
Labels: headaches, pain issues
link | posted by Emily at 4:36 PM
Monday, January 28, 2008
news of both kinds
i have exciting news, and i have sad news.
the president and prophet of the LDS church, Gordon B Hinckley, died yesterday. i don't have the
eloquent words many others do -- i will just say that i loved him, and he will be missed.
on the complete other side of things --
i got an appointment at the
diamond headache clinic in chicago! i'm very excited, and pleased that i'm able to be seen at the end of february!! feb. 28th is my appointment. there is much planning to be done, but i'm looking forward to it.
i have a 3 1/2 hour evaluation with the
associate director. after that they will probably put me inpatient at the hospital. they have classes for me to take while i'm there, to learn more about headaches and migraines.
i just HOPE that this is the beginning of the end for me. i hope and pray we'll be able to find a way to make these headaches either less or frequent, or less painful. hey, both would be great! i would definitely love both!
Labels: happiness, headaches, life, pain issues, sadness
link | posted by Emily at 12:30 PM
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
i got a book in the mail today! it's called
All In My Head -- by Paula Kamen. the subtitle is 'an epic quest to cure an unrelenting, totally unreasonable, and only slightly enlightening headache.
you can see why i might like it.
i've read it once before, it was a good read. then when i figured i was going to want to read it again, and possibly loan it to friends.....you know. decided i should probably just buy it.
headache friends, if you haven't read this, get it from the library. it was fabulous to read about someone else's experiences who mirrored my own so closely.
other friends (and family), if you're interested in knowing more about my life -- this would be an ideal read. i'm not much of a writer, but Paula Kamen is.
Labels: books, headaches, pain
link | posted by Emily at 1:35 PM
Wednesday, January 02, 2008
Happy New Year!
welcome 2008. i just got home from a neurologist appointment. the funny thing is, i'm in Pennsylvania. Sooooo this was a one-time appointment. i was hoping for an outside perspective, and was happy with how it went.
he (the doctor) did a full neurological exam, and we went over the entire history of my headaches. then he said, 'you have a complicated problem, and there is no easy answer.'
i'm getting better at hearing that, and didn't start crying. impressive, right?
he said that if i were his daughter, he'd send me to a headache clinic. that i'd be able to have behavioral therapies there, including biofeedback and such, and they are equipped to handle this kind of thing.
so while i'm not one for making resolutions at the new year (i'd rather make changes as i see i need them, not all at once), my hope is for a turnaround with pain this year. even if things just start heading the other direction, that would be great.
it is hard to imagine spending so much money on this kind of thing - that has no guarantees of working. but i need to remind myself of HOW MUCH i want to be better. and if money will get that done, then so be it.
any new year's resolutions you'd like to share?
Labels: doctors, headaches, migraines, New Year, pain
link | posted by Emily at 9:59 AM
Saturday, December 08, 2007
an update on me and a question for you
i'm ripping off a question from
my friend Kimberlie: what one beauty product can you not live without? could be makeup, could be hair product......lotion, even.
i'm dying to know.
for me, it's a tie. i wear makeup nearly everyday, but almost always just eye makeup. so i can't live without my lash curler and mascara.
now on to other business.
let me tell you about my latest homeopathic .....diagnosis.
first, let me praise sugar and flour and milk, because i am OFF THE DIET!!! hooray for eating (almost) anything i want!! no reading labels, no passing up on delicious looking desserts. hooray for being able to eat candy for christmas!!
so that obviously didn't help, which is why it's over. i went to see a homeopathic chiropractor, recommended by my homeopathic doctor for his diagnostic capabilities. and i have to say...it was interesting. i'm still not sure i really *believe* that his methods work, or are ...real. HOWEVER, i am withholding judgment until the treatments have a chance to work. if they're going to help, it will be within the next 2 weeks.
if you're interested in the diagnostic methods he used,
read this - obviously a skeptic, and then
this, from the International College of Applied Kinesiology. i'm not going to go into it anymore than that.
but anywho, after spending an hour with me, we did a few chiropractic adjustments, and he developed 3 diagnoses that he says are contributing to my migraines.
1 - mercury poisoning. from my fillings. and i later thought of the fact that i did get 8 or 10 (i know) fillings the summer my migraines started getting more and more frequent.... i didn't tell him that though.
2 - virus in my brain stem. would not have been detected in the spinal tap.
3 - my body doesn't make enough neurotransmitters.
and so there are homeopathic pills and capsules and such for these things, which we went ahead with buying -- i don't plan to invest any more $$ in this area if this doesn't help.
i *am* still looking for a recommendation for an acupuncturist. i think that area has some possibilities.
that's my update, folks! don't forget, tell me about your favorite beauty product in comments!
Labels: headaches, homeopathy, meds, pain, pain issues, randomness
link | posted by Emily at 12:32 PM
Saturday, September 15, 2007
This week is National Invisible Chronic Illness Awareness Week.
what a mouthful.
but seeing as how migraines (esp. daily ones) fit well into this category, i'd like to acknowledge it. more information can be found
here,
here, and
here. Plenty of good reading about this week, and invisible chronic illnesses in general.
on a totally related note, i thought i'd give a little summary of my most recent doctor's appointment, to see a headache and migraine specialist. thankfully, this was not just a consultation (like last time), but she's going to continue to see me. hallelujah!
so the things we changed were these:
1- back to only treating w/meds a maximum of 3 migraines per week. sad but true.
2 - changed the tegretol to tegretol extended release. hopefully this will keep a more consistent level of the drug in my blood, and therefore help me feel better more consistently. we'll see.
3 - added nortriptyline. i can take it at night and it makes me sleepy, also she is hoping it helps my mood. could possibly help prevent migraines. we'll see.
4 - i need to spend five minutes 4 times a day exercising - on top of my pilates. usually i walk for 5 minutes. it's such a short time, it's hard to even get into it. she wants me to be more active, and believes it will help me to do more, and possibly help prevent migraines (are you seeing a theme here?)
5 - keeping a headache journal. i hate these, but am willing to do it.
soooo that's a lot of changes. but you know me, i'll try anything if i think it'll help! so far the nortriptyline is definitely improving my sleep - getting to sleep is easier. i feel like i've been able to do more, also. truly, the thing i'm most excited about is that she said she's going to continue to see me - and that she also believes (like me) that migraines which are difficult to treat are not necessarily a result of psychological difficulties. thank goodness.
she also mentioned (as i have been told several times before) that the longer i go on in daily pain, the less likely we are to be able to 'fix' it. that's somewhat discouraging, but honestly i would be ok still being in -some- pain everyday. i just would prefer much less. :)
Labels: headaches, meds, neurologists, pain issues, pain relief
link | posted by Emily at 12:04 PM
Friday, August 31, 2007
new trigger
i think i found out a new trigger today --
i made a greek salad for dinner. including (of course) plenty of feta.
immediately after dinner, my migraine got worse.
they say to watch out for aged cheeses -- i think this proved the point. the only other food trigger i've found was chocolate.
Labels: food triggers, headaches, migraines
link | posted by Emily at 11:26 PM
Friday, May 04, 2007
a little shopping expedition the other day: i have to show you what i got --
first, from
the gap:

love this skirt. it was one sale for $30. i also got a pair of jeans for 20 bucks.
then at
american eagle:

these were NOT ON SALE. that's really unlike me. in fact, i almost never buy anything that's not on sale. but these weren't. but i had to have them. seriously, i've been on the lookout for a pair of madras bermuda shorts for more than a year. i couldn't take the chance that my size'd be gone by the time they went on sale. (i know, the difficulties of my life, woe is me).
i also got a cool ring, but they don't have it on their site for some reason. i'll have to take pictures and show them to you on.
on the headache front, the past couple days have been rough; back to about normal badness. there's a huge storm coming through, so i think that's what's up. the headache would be even worse without the painkiller, though, i'm sure. hopefully soon we'll get back to some pain relief and good times!
Labels: headaches, randomness, shopping
link | posted by Emily at 9:05 PM
Thursday, April 26, 2007
i receive a daily 'google alert' -- one about migraine, and another for chronic daily headache.
today
this arrived.
hahahahahaha.
all i can say is, they're obviously not talking about ME. some days, i'm lucky to remember my own name. :)
Labels: headaches, pain, randomness
link | posted by Emily at 12:21 PM
Tuesday, March 06, 2007
more on migraines...
sorry i feel like that's all i write about anymore. how boring.
also i'm sorry i haven't been able to comment on other people's blogs! am i the only one having this trouble? the comment screen will SAY visual verification (that nonsense you have to type), but there isn't actually any jumble of letters to type. :(
in any case, every month i get an email newsletter from ChronicBabe.com. as in babes with chronic illnesses. here's what it said (in part):
New today at ChronicBabe.com:
Wave goodbye to your old self
Each day you wish you could be your "old" self will make you feel like a failure. But each day you exercise compassion for your "new" self—and embrace your current abilities—you'll appreciate every accomplishment even more. The Editrix has learned this from experience. And btw, it's much more fun coming up with new ways to enjoy life than lamenting old ways that don't work anymore.
and i just happened to have been thinking about this yesterday. weird. more like i was thinking yesterday about how i always dreamed or planned or thought my life would be. i certainly never thought about having a headache all the time, laying in bed most of the time, and hardly getting anything done.
let me tell you who i was. i was someone who loved to be busy and get things done. i thrive(d) (throve?) on the feeling of accomplishment i got from finishing projects, working on things till they were done, learning something new. i love playing the piano, getting that last tough part in a piece figured out. i was loud, loved to laugh, and loved being with people. i loved dancing, singing out loud, listening to music turned way up. i was reliable. i could be counted on to do what i said i was going to do, and be there if i said i was going to be there. i earned my own money and took care of myself. there was nothing i couldn't do.
so meeting people now, i feel like they're not really meeting me. not the real me. this is me with a headache. i feel like a shadow of who i am. i'm always having to cancel plans, turn down the volume, leave early, sleep in late, and figure out how i can get my few chores done. do you ever look around and realize that this is your life? that it's not what you planned on?
why should pain change my personality and my understanding of myself?
Labels: headaches, pain, questions, thoughts
link | posted by Emily at 1:03 PM
Tuesday, February 27, 2007
things are looking up
i hate to leave that last post up at the top. it's very negative, and angry. i try not to be that way. sometimes, i guess life's little frustrations get the best of us all.
one thing that seems to be going better is my general mood.....this is kind of hard to put into words. but here it is: it seems that despite having the same pain, i'm more able to enjoy the moment i'm in, more able to find joy in relationships and laughter. not that i've 'arrived' or what have you - there is still a long ways to go. but i feel more like my old self emotionally, like i can see that the pain's there, and without ignoring it per se, focus on what is good and important and real. i am beginning to be able to feel
thankful for the good days. to be honest, i was always just resentful before - how can you be thankful for a day during which you're in constant pain? sure, it's more bearable than some other days, but it's pain! all day! slowly, with the help of my dear husband, i'm coming to see that a good day is a good day because it is better than the other ones. regardless of how that stacks up to how life 'used to be'.
this whole thing might not make any sense. i bet it will to my migraine friends. it's taken more than 2 years of chronic pain to reach this point. and it's not the best point -- but it's a distinct improvement.
Labels: headaches, pain, thoughts
link | posted by Emily at 4:02 PM