this made me think --
1) would i have stopped to listen? i think so. BH (before headaches)? probably not. i would probably have been in too much of a hurry to slow down. but these days, i've got plenty of spare time. listening to music may increase my pain, but i've found that there are things worth extra pain, and a little extra beauty is well worth it.
2) why are we so quick to judge a person's worth by their location and surroundings? why do we assume a street musician is not as worthwhile as another person -- or is it just the discomfort of not wanting to acknowledge those who are worse off and begging for money?
but one would think that a person could learn a few things from being in pain for three years...it's true. maybe i've got more to learn.
but reading her entry helped me realize that pain has taught me at least one thing...it's taught me how to enjoy and appreciate the little things in life.
my niece's smile, a sunny day, a warm blanket, pain i can ignore. ah, bliss. before pain (BP) life hurried by and i worked hard to get things done. i'm trying to learn to value people not for what they can DO, but for what they ARE. it goes against my instincts.
"You know, sometimes it is the artist's task to find out how much music you can still make with what you have left." -- Itzhak Perlman.
if you're intersted in reading the story behind this quote, go here.
i'm thinking a lot lately about how much i can do with what i have left -- the person i am and the capabilities i have with these migraines. how does this quote apply to you?
Labels: migraines, music, thoughts
also i'm sorry i haven't been able to comment on other people's blogs! am i the only one having this trouble? the comment screen will SAY visual verification (that nonsense you have to type), but there isn't actually any jumble of letters to type. :(
in any case, every month i get an email newsletter from ChronicBabe.com. as in babes with chronic illnesses. here's what it said (in part):
New today at ChronicBabe.com:
Wave goodbye to your old self
Each day you wish you could be your "old" self will make you feel like a failure. But each day you exercise compassion for your "new" self—and embrace your current abilities—you'll appreciate every accomplishment even more. The Editrix has learned this from experience. And btw, it's much more fun coming up with new ways to enjoy life than lamenting old ways that don't work anymore.
and i just happened to have been thinking about this yesterday. weird. more like i was thinking yesterday about how i always dreamed or planned or thought my life would be. i certainly never thought about having a headache all the time, laying in bed most of the time, and hardly getting anything done.
let me tell you who i was. i was someone who loved to be busy and get things done. i thrive(d) (throve?) on the feeling of accomplishment i got from finishing projects, working on things till they were done, learning something new. i love playing the piano, getting that last tough part in a piece figured out. i was loud, loved to laugh, and loved being with people. i loved dancing, singing out loud, listening to music turned way up. i was reliable. i could be counted on to do what i said i was going to do, and be there if i said i was going to be there. i earned my own money and took care of myself. there was nothing i couldn't do.
so meeting people now, i feel like they're not really meeting me. not the real me. this is me with a headache. i feel like a shadow of who i am. i'm always having to cancel plans, turn down the volume, leave early, sleep in late, and figure out how i can get my few chores done. do you ever look around and realize that this is your life? that it's not what you planned on?
why should pain change my personality and my understanding of myself?
Labels: headaches, pain, questions, thoughts
one thing that seems to be going better is my general mood.....this is kind of hard to put into words. but here it is: it seems that despite having the same pain, i'm more able to enjoy the moment i'm in, more able to find joy in relationships and laughter. not that i've 'arrived' or what have you - there is still a long ways to go. but i feel more like my old self emotionally, like i can see that the pain's there, and without ignoring it per se, focus on what is good and important and real. i am beginning to be able to feel thankful for the good days. to be honest, i was always just resentful before - how can you be thankful for a day during which you're in constant pain? sure, it's more bearable than some other days, but it's pain! all day! slowly, with the help of my dear husband, i'm coming to see that a good day is a good day because it is better than the other ones. regardless of how that stacks up to how life 'used to be'.
this whole thing might not make any sense. i bet it will to my migraine friends. it's taken more than 2 years of chronic pain to reach this point. and it's not the best point -- but it's a distinct improvement.
Labels: headaches, pain, thoughts
